


What Hurts the Most

by justbygrace



Series: Inspired by Songs [10]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Canon verse, F/M, angst ahoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:43:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8070229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justbygrace/pseuds/justbygrace
Summary: Short and angsty





	

**Author's Note:**

> "What hurts the most was being so close  
> And havin' so much to say  
> And watchin' you walk away  
> And never knowin' what could've been  
> And not seein' that lovin' you  
> Is what I was trying to do"  
> Rascal Flatts 'What Hurts the Most'

It wasn’t the adventures. No, those were actually fine, the uprisings, the political coups, the running for his life…all of that he enjoyed. He loved going toe-to-toe with some leader, matching wits with other brilliant minds, sneaking in the back way, breaking the rules, freeing the prisoners, starting a revolution. It wasn’t the attention from his many admirers: he liked people to notice him, and he was the first to admit that he was something of a narcissist this time around. It wasn’t meeting new people, making new friends, being lauded as a hero on yet another planet. He didn’t care about close shaves and last-minute getaways and last-ditch attempts. Bloody knuckles and fistfights and provoking arguments? Just another day. Risking his life to save a species from extinction, being the first one into a contaminated area, working night and day without sleep for a cure…no big deal. He craved being thrown in jail, sentenced to death (though he was at least 87.6% sure he would never really let them go through with it), and being on the front lines of a life or death situation. The next high, the next fix, the next adrenaline hit - it’s all he wanted.

That wasn’t what hurt the most.

It was the reaching for a hand only to find it was the wrong hand. It was planet after planet after planet with no problems. It was long nights alone. It was unavoidable repairs in complete silence. It was turning to laugh about an inside joke and realizing no one else would understand it. It was running into old friends and having to explain her absence. It was an unfinished sentence; it was a hundred unfinished sentences, a thousand unmentioned thoughts, a million unexplained feelings. It was that blissful five seconds between sleep and wakefulness where he forgot. It was the desperate run down a deserted street that some godforsaken dalek cut short. It was seeing the terror on her face at the idea of his regeneration. It was listening to Davros’ words and knowing they were true about her. It was seeing his double run out of the TARDIS and knowing precisely what had to happen. It was forcing himself to keep his distance, to dance around the console and push her and his double together. It was the look of betrayal on her face when she realized they were once more in the parallel universe. It was watching the realization that he was going to leave her again sink in. It was leaving the sentence unfinished once more. It was watching his double finish the sentence. It was watching The Kiss from the outside. It was the feel of the TARDIS transporting him away from her forever.

That’s what hurt the most.


End file.
